Gen. 19:26 – But his wife looked back behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

I am fascinated by this story in the bible.  Lot and his family have been warned by the angels that if they look behind, they would be transformed into a pillar of salt.  Lot’s wife looked back and she instantly became a pillar of salt.

What happened there?  Maybe, she looked behind because she wanted to stay there and, regretted leaving.  Maybe, she did not have enough faith in the future that was laid before her.  Maybe, she lacked hope.  Maybe she did not trust.

I wonder many times if it is not the same with us, even to this day.  And perhaps, the sames questions apply today.

Like Lot’s family, we know exactly what fear does to us.  We know what constantly looking back does to us.  We also know that fear can be paralyzing. We also heard the warning, yet…we still look back.

Take for example, when we get stuck in the past.  We replay in our mind the same story over and again.  We replay in our mind the different outcomes of the same story.  We replay what we could have done, what we should have done, what we would have done if that were to happen again.  We get stuck, and fear can make us stay there.

Not too long ago, I got stuck.  I got stuck in fear.  I got stuck in the “what ifs”.  The fear I felt stopped me from writing.

Every time I started writing, my thoughts prevented me from going further.  I wrote articles but when it came time to publish them, I froze and save them instead.  My ego got the best of me and I started to think “who are you kidding?”  “What difference will that make?”

See, I believe I am a somewhat confident person who appears much more confident.  Most of the time, I don’t doubt myself.  I have faith.  I do what I have to do but from time to time, my ego gets the best of me.  And if I don’t take the time to be still, if I don’t take the time to pray and meditate, I can stay stuck, frozen even,  for a long time.

How do I get back to my spiritual practice when I feel so tired?  How do I get back to doing the things that I know I must do?

I had to look at my choices: I could continue to be in fear or be in love.  This is quite simple.

When I am in fear, I am driven by ego.  When I am in love, I am driven by Spirit.  It’s that simple.

–  I decided to be still – I started to pay intention to what brought me joy, what made me smile.  I love worship music.  I started to listen to it more and more, and it felt good.  When I listen to worship music, I could stay there for a long time.  I also pray and meditate.  Then I am reminded of who I am.

The key word here is “reminded”…which means that I knew and forgot.  That’s another trick of the ego. To make me believe that my doings are more important than my being.

–  I also decided to revisit my “whys”.  I took a long hard look within, and decided to continue to work on what brought me joy.  I also looked at my schedule to figure out what was going to stay, and what needed to go.

–  I also revisited my vision to see if it was on course, and if I was as passionate about it as I used to be.

To contemplate, I had to pause.  When I paused, I had a clearer view of who I am (Be), what I need to accomplish (Do), and what I want to achieve (Have).

While working on who I am, I still get to do what I like, and practice what I want to get better at.  Today, I am back.  Today, I decided to write.